So it seems that I'm older by a year now, according to the Gregorian/Roman calender. Maybe a little bit wiser, wider and worn-out. But there are still a few good years in this model yet. Twenty-one years ago, I only had one role in life, but now it's a whole different ball game. I am a son, brother, uncle, cousin, friend, citizen and human. To look at such a daunting list, I wonder if I fully grasp the responsibilities of all these role. Or worse, do I fail in either one of them?
As I look back at my life, while I didn't have the most pleasant of journeys, I wouldn't go around calling it the worse either. I think it would be apt to describe it as one turbulent melodrama. Throughout it all, I made a great number of mistakes and shoulder a dozen other regrets. Should I have done this or that? Sure, in retrospect, if I had another chance, I would take it all back. But that's the beauty of life, isn't it? That you make choices which will shape you as a person, the people around you and the world in general. The person you are today is the person you chose to be, either deliberately or unawares. As Coach Carter says, "Growing up is about making your own decisions and living with them". So while I may bear a few scars, both physically or psychologically, never would I remove them, for each one holds a meaning and lesson in itself. And hopefully, I made a few good decisions along the way.
(I still have a burn mark on my arm which reminds me that a boiling kettle is actually hot. No, I'm serious. Really.)
So where do I stand now?
I'm not saying by some wave of a magic wand, you amazingly become a full fledged, intellectually-capable, uber-mature adult on the day you turn twenty-one. But turning into a adult (by legal standards), can be a very sobering thought, even to the most care-free of individuals. You begin to realise that at this point in time, your responsibilities have broadened and that you have a debt to pay, to your family, friends and society. The time for experimentation and foolish idleness is over, and your future starts now. If that is not a big enough system shock, I don't know what is.
"I don't want you to see you lose that sparkle in your eyes."
A friend of mine once told me that. While I may lose some of that sparkle, hopefully I can hold on to that sense of wonderment and, dare I say, naivety, which I have always viewed the world with. I believe that I habitually scare my friends with my bouts of melancholia and innue, and I resolve not to that. Well, not too much anyway. Pessimistic I am about the future, mine at least, but I'm glad those around me have found their happiness, in themselves or with each other. In that, I can always see the beauty of life and it rekindles my spirit. And maybe, if God permits, if he ever forgives me, I may one day partake of that joy again.
"Pejam kan mata mu jika kau merindui ku."
As I spend this day away from my family and closer friends, I can feel the sense of sadness and loneliness pervade my self. But today i celebrated my birthday with my friends here, along with some well-wishes from my family and friends back home. Over the years, I have made many friends, lost a few and gained various rivals or enemies. Yet isn't that the life of an adventurer and explorer? I have come to appreciate the life I have been given, even if I do try to run away sometimes. Even to another country. Maybe it's just my nomadic genes acting up, although I don't think I'll be crossing the Sahara astride a camel. Maybe one day, when camels are 6-ft tall and wash regularly. I wonder if they carry a generator somewhere in that hump?
So what did I do on the day I turn 21? A very interesting question. I tried to get over my fear of driving. Yes, I do have a fear of driving after a series of near misses. While my heart may have stopped/skipped/swore a few times, I think today went quite okay. Still, I feel apprehensive whenever I get into the driver's seat. So now, I'm at a local cafe, sitting on my lazy bum and surfing the net. At least the view is nice...
Well, here's to a good twenty-one years, and may many more follow.
